Adventures in Dating

occupyvday:

Occupy Mother’s Day!

Via Miriam Zoila Perez

inappropri8:

dear hipsters,

sapphrikah:

stfuconfederates:

sinidentidades:

Why I identify as queer rather than gay

There are several reasons why I choose to identify as queer rather than gay. 

1. I reject heteronormativity and homonormativity. 

2. My sexuality isn’t really covered under the label gay.

3. It’s a pejorative term that I’m taking back. 

4. I prefer the term queer to gay or any of the variants of the acronym describing the queer community because it’s more open and less exclusive sounding to me. 

5. I reject the exclusive, mainstream gay rights movement because all it does is perpetuate this notion that we, as a community, require state sanction, can only gain liberation via lobbying groups like the HRC, and creates a space where trans* people aren’t really thought of as being integral to the community [see ENDA, and how the HRC dropped the protections for trans* folks to get it passed]. 

A-fucking-men.

The HRC did WHAT?!

(via brownroundboi)

Having spent most of my adulthood in the self-imposed misery of singlehood (not miserable but told myself it was) and/or serial monogamy (expectations of others, not mine), I am attempting to date…for real this time.  Not hook up with one person, end up in a relationship and move in together within weeks/months, but really see a variety of people and get to know them.  If sex happens, it happens, but it doesn’t have to mean the end of my dating.  And I’m not looking for “the one,” but I’m looking for connections & community. 

I’ve been deeply inspired by this book by Samhita Mukhopadhyay and by this book to not only rethink my ideas of what relationships and desire look like and how I am inspired to act on them, but also to revisit many things that I thought I had already learned about the effects of capitalist hetero-patriarchy on my body, my mind, my spirit, and my sexuality.

After finding myself in a place of recovery from several addictions (more on that in the future), I have spent several years trying to learn how to enjoy living alone—sometimes appreciating the simplicity of not having to answer to anyone and do things exactly the way I like to do them…or not do them; sometimes hating the loneliness; sometimes thinking that I would never want my situation to change; sometimes thinking my situation will never change regardless of how physically, emotionally, and spiritually healthy I am; sometimes letting go of the craving and resistance and sometimes coming back to them with a vengeance.

After all of this, I am sick to death of the saying “you’ll never love someone until you can love yourself.”  I get it, okay, it’s important to be able to enjoy solitude and know yourself and what you want.  Not being in relationship to others (whether casually or sexually), however, is not only hard, frustrating, and confusing, but it makes it impossible to get to know ourselves in certain ways.  At some point, I have to let go of trying to find this perfect sense of self and take some chances.  How does one who has been and continues to be exposed to the most insidious of self-hating messages (hello, popular media and culture/society in general?) ever really fully and perfectly love herself?  I think self-love for me varies.  It can be like pulling teeth—making myself clean the house and go to the gym despite that fact that I want to lay in bed for no good reason (though laying in bed sometimes can be an act of self-love, too).  Or it can be automatic (thanks to much practice and the ability to learn from others).  I’ve gotten wise to the reality that other people will never be the (supposedly) ideal/perfect image that I have in my mind, and that unless I accept their perfect imperfections, I will never find happiness in my own.  That means not giving my new number to my ex who can’t help but drunk dial in the middle of the night.  That means not going over to my latest crush’s house after a very long day of work when I would rather plan on getting up early the next day to go to the gym before another long day of work. (Sex isn’t that important, nor is taking a chance when it most likely won’t happen.  I shouldn’t have to be constantly available to get what I want.)  It means forgiving myself when I don’t eat the perfectly healthy meals that I’d like to eat—letting myself be what I am in the moment and hoping and working for change for the next moment.  It means trying to never say “should.”

Despite the various phases of confusion in trying to label myself (codependent, sex and love addict, lesbian, bisexual, queer, etc.), I have found clarity in that my desire is a good thing regardless of who it is inspired by, my intentions matter deeply enough that I need to be as clear about them as I can possibly be (something that someone else cannot do for me), and it all comes down to what I do today.  Labels can help me understand some things about myself, but I don’t end there and I don’t have to be limited by them.  I can also learn from what I have done in the past as well as plan and hope for things that I would like in my future, but what matters most is seeing this moment for what it is and responding mindfully rather than constantly reacting.

What does that mean this week?  It means forgiving myself for crossing the friendship to dating line with a person that my intuition told me not to cross that line with.  Because I’ve spent so many years reacting, it’s hard to know when my intuition is speaking versus my riotous ego.  In this case, it became an opportunity to learn that it’s okay to not want what I don’t want and to tell someone that I don’t want it, despite the fact that they may have feelings over it.  It means not taking care of the other person when they inevitably have those feelings, but being compassionate enough to allow them to be where they are.  

This week, it also means allowing myself the disappointment of not getting what I want with another person, witnessing the pain caused by another person’s inconsiderate behavior, and welcoming the hope that these lessons will continue to allow me to find my true self.

Can I just ask what happened to human communication?  Why is it so hard for us to speak our truth and ask for what we want?  Will disappointment and rejection kill us?  Will getting what we want make us regret getting it?  Seriously, though, I don’t want to have to translate the lyrics of a song to understand what is going on with the people in my life.  I don’t want a hallmark card that tells me a story that someone thinks I want or would like to hear about how they feel.  I don’t want flowers that have been hand-picked, sorted, wrapped, shipped and put in a vase by underpaid and exploited people.  I don’t want to be bought things, I don’t want doors opened for me, I don’t want to be touched without being asked if it’s okay first.  I want words.  Simple, thoughtful, intentional words.

I went into this process of dating again thinking that it should (ew, there’s that word again) be all fun and games, but so far it’s been at times confusing, awkward, painful, and yet somehow still exciting, hopeful, and liberating.  No matter how much I try to avoid myself and my reality, I keep coming back to it like in meditation—back to the simplicity of breath, again and again without judgment, without attachment, without resentment.  Just keep breathing, keep loving, keep desiring, keep asking, keep communicating, keep trying.

thedailywhat:

Inspirational Motivational of the Day: Yesterday afternoon, British badass Felicity Aston successfully completed her treacherous 59-day trek across Antarctica, becoming the first woman to solo-ski the length of the continent’s icy terrain.

Armed with nothing but a pair of skis, a pair of poles, and her arms, Aston dragged two sledges across 1,084 miles from Leverett Glacier to Hercules Inlet. “When I saw the coastal mountains that marked my end point for the first time, I literally just stopped in my tracks and bawled my eyes out,” Aston said.

A meteorologist by trade, the 34-year-old Kentish woman had been tweeting her record-setting schlep. “Just in case I was in danger of feeling sentimental, a violent wind has appeared from nowhere and is beating the tent like the bad old days,” she wrote her followers while awaiting a lift back to base camp after crossing the finish line.

Speaking of the hardships she endured along the way, Aston said the “mental side” was tougher than the physical side. “Being alone sounds like such a simple thing, but when was the last time you spent a whole day without seeing any person?”

[ap / guardian / @felicity_aston.]